Postmorterm Mindfulness: Finding the space between trigger and explosion

We’ve all had that one person at work, right? The one who just rubs you the wrong way. For me, it was a coworker who seemed hell-bent on dismissing my ideas. No matter what I said, they had a blunt, almost robotic response that felt like a giant “meh”. Over time, I started dreading every interaction with them. Each conversation became a battleground - until one day, the kind part of myself took a holiday.

I pride myself on being kind to others and holding space for different view points. But in this moment, I lost that part of myself. And it was all over something so minor that, in hindsight, it makes me cringe. In the moment, though? Oh, I felt justified. They’d been dismissing my ideas for ages! I was just standing up for myself, right?

Wrong. Later that day, the “postmortem” reflection kicked in - and it was brutal. I felt mortified. Not because my ideas weren’t valid, but because my response was the opposite of who I want to be at work. I’m usually calm, rational, and thoughtful... but on that day? I was more like a volcano - loud, explosive, and leaving a mess in my wake.

What is postmortem mindfulness, and why should you care?

This experience was the start of my journey with what I now call “postmortem mindfulness”. No, it’s not about rehashing the past to beat yourself up. It’s about reflecting on your emotional reactions - after they happen - so you can learn from them, understand your triggers, and create some mental space before you react next time.

The cool thing about this practice? The more you do it, the more noticeable that space between your trigger and your reaction becomes. It’s like a pause button, giving your brain a moment to step in and go, “Hey, maybe blowing up isn’t the best move here.”

My journey from blow-up to break-through

So, after that big blow-up, I initially did what any self-respecting over-thinker does: I avoided this coworker like the plague. I was afraid that if I engaged with them again, I’d just lose it. But deep down, I knew that wasn’t sustainable. This wasn’t about avoiding conflict forever - it was about figuring out why I was so triggered.

I started reflecting on what happened: why did their bluntness wind me up so much? It wasn’t just about them rejecting my ideas - it was about feeling unheard, like my contributions didn’t matter. Once I got to the root of that, things started to click.

I also realised that how I reacted wasn’t fair to them. Sure, their delivery could use some work, but they weren’t out to get me. I needed to own my part in that interaction, and that meant doing something scary: apologising. So, I caught up with them and admitted I’d overreacted - no excuses, just an honest apology. They seemed a bit surprised but appreciated it.

How postmortem mindfulness creates “mental space”

Here’s where things got interesting. After a few weeks of regularly practising postmortem mindfulness - reflecting on my emotional triggers, thinking about how I wished I had responded - I started to notice something. The next time this coworker said something blunt, I didn’t immediately react. There was a moment - just a fraction of a second - where I had space. Space to breathe, space to think, space to respond in a way that was actually productive.

And that space? It got wider and wider the more I practised. I found that instead of jumping straight into defensive mode, I could actually pause, engage my brain, and think, “Okay, what’s really going on here?” It gave me the chance to respond in line with who I want to be, rather than reacting like my stressed-out, Friday-afternoon self.

The surprising outcome

After a while, I started working really well with this person - better than I ever had. The tension disappeared, and we actually found common ground. Turns out, they weren’t dismissive; they were just direct. And I learned to appreciate that, once I stopped taking it personally.

So, what’s the moral here? Postmortem mindfulness helped me create that all-important space between my triggers and my responses. By reflecting on what upset me, why it did, and how I wished I’d handled it, I built the ability to respond instead of react. And the more I practised it, the easier it became to handle difficult situations without blowing my top.

How you can get started

If this sounds like something you could use (trust me, it’s a game-changer), here’s how you can start practising postmortem mindfulness:

1. Set aside time to reflect
   Make it a habit to review your week - maybe on a Saturday morning with your coffee or during a quiet moment in the afternoon. You don’t need hours. Just a few minutes of reflection.
2. Replay a moment that triggered you
   Think back to a moment where you reacted emotionally. What was the situation? How did you respond? What triggered that response?
3. Ask why
   Dig a little deeper. Was it the situation that upset you, or was it something more internal? Did you feel unheard? Disrespected? Overwhelmed?
4. Be kind to yourself
   No self-judgment here. It’s easy to be hard on ourselves, but remember, you’re only human. Be kind, and recognise that this is a learning process.
5. Visualise a better response
   Now that you’ve reflected on the moment, think about how you’d like to respond next time. It doesn’t have to be perfect, just more in line with who you want to be.

Finding freedom in the space

The real power of postmortem mindfulness is that it creates freedom. Freedom to choose how you respond, rather than being controlled by your emotions. Over time, that space between your trigger and your reaction gets bigger and more noticeable - and it’s in that space where you can make choices that align with your values, rather than reacting on instinct.

So, next time you find yourself about to blow up (or you’ve just blown up and feel awful about it), take a moment to reflect. It’s in those moments of reflection that real growth happens.